Over these last two weeks, my soul has continued to dive deeper and crave more to truly believe that God loves me. Sometimes it feels like a couple steps forward and a couple steps back. Part of it is that I so much want to believe what those closest to me believe. I know those who know me well think the best of me. But I fail to see what they see when I look in the mirror. It is the same with God. I know in my head how He sees me. But I have a hard time seeing it when I look in the mirror. This is the next level of unlocking my soul needs as I discover what it is in the way that is keeping me from see what God sees when He gazes at me.
As God has throughout this summer, He showed up to guide me in discovering ways to unlock the next level of my soul. Through time spent with friends visiting from Colorado, time with Spring and her family at the family’s tree farm, time spent with Audrey and time just being out in God’s creation, I have continued to hear God’s voice revealing pieces a bit at a time. As I have been intentionally asking God where He wants me for the day, He has led me to some pretty incredible places that have nourished and renewed my soul. He has been speaking through His Word, through prayer, through His creation, through Spring, through friends and through songs.
One song that has really spoken to me is the song by Matthew West, My Story Your Glory. I have listened to that song over and over these last couple days. Really contemplating the words. Praying, reading scripture, listening, journaling my conversation with Jesus as I sat by a beautiful waterfall today. As I sat there, I think for the first time in my life, I truly felt as if Jesus was sitting right beside me. I don’t know how to really explain it. I have definitely felt God's presence in the past but this seemed different. It really felt like He as there, as a friend, his arm around me as my inner soul unlocked to his loving gaze and embrace. He didn’t have to say anything. He just sat there with me as I slowly released my shame I had been carrying. Shame in the path my life took at times over the last 50 years. Shame I felt, and lived out, that He could not possibly love me. Shame that kept me from seeing what He sees in me when I look in the mirror. Jesus just held me as my shame left me in the tears streaming down my face. (God gave me the gift of time with Him by the waterfall with no one else around).
Jesus rewrote chapters in my story. He replaced shame with Love and Grace. The chapters in my story have not been wasted. He has and is continuing to use every chapter. My purpose from here on out, as it says in the song, is to Know Him More and Make Him Known. And when I say know, I mean really know, deeply, intimately as I spending time with Him.
I’m feeling different. I’m feeling freer than I have ever felt. Thank you Lord. Thank you Jesus, my friend.
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